Back in my young and naive days, I thought marriage was strictly between husband and wife and everyone would get all because we were all sane civilize adults. However as I become older and wiser and talks with friends, I realize marriage is between husband and wife but an interfering monster-in-law *ahem....* mother-in-law can really cramp a gal's style. So what is a gal to do when there is a mother-in-law from hell?
To be honest, I don't think anyone dreams of becoming a monster-in-law, although a few gal pals might disagree. So what happened? As a singleton looking forward to marriage, I am sorta scared what if I don't get along with my future in-laws. That would make life rather difficult. More than a few gal pals cried over dumping sessions because their mother-in-laws were just so mean. A girl friend's mother-in-law would actually say all sort of nasty things about her in front of her, despite her efforts to be courteous and kind. Another girl friend was upset because her mother-in-law always borrow money to own as she wanted a lavish lifestyle which she couldn't afford. I have met some of their mother-in-laws and these women are no walk in the park.... I wouldn't say they are bad people but they just wanted everything their way or the highway.
In the end, most gal pals with in-law issues still try to keep peace but from a distance. They will only get together when it is absolutely necessary. The reason was they wanted their kids to have grandparents and didn't want to put their husbands in a sticky position. However for some friends, in-law issues have become a contention point in their marriage. For me, I don't really know what to expect yet. I believe two adults should be able to get along. There is no need to become BFF but both parties should be friendly and civil. After all, if I love my future husband then I should treat his family like my own family (and vice versa). Right?!
It is normal for people to bitch and moan sometimes about in-laws (and vice versa) because we are not going to agree on everything. But, people need to respect each other. Else, gloves off then..... At this point, it is important for the son and husband to play the role of a good mediator. A gal doesn't expect the hub to agree with her every time, but he needs to be fair and supportive. I know we will encounter different issues but it is important to stand firm and do what is right in a respectful manner. It is important to nip the issue at the bud. Letting the issue prolong will not make the situation better. As I don't have in-laws yet, I don't know exactly what may happen but what would you do in a monster-in-law situation?
36 savvy comments:
It's a tough situation but I think distancing yourself from the in-laws is healthy for everyone. I think that marriage is between two people and although in-laws are very much in the picture, they are not the ones in the marriage. They have their own marriage to worry about and should be less concern about their kids after they've made a decision to marry someone. My mom put an ocean between her and my dad's parents yet they still find ways to torture my mom. It seems there's no easy way to escape monster-in-laws but I do think that distance can help.
Definitely bud-nipping time.
I hope my boyfriend's parents never go off the deep end and become horrific in-laws. I think the only thing you can do in these situations is put distance between you and them - not necessariily physical distance, maybe restrict communication to major holidays. But I do think the husband needs to be assertive and remind his parents that this is his marriage and while he values their love and support and advice, it's really up to him to make the best choices for him - and he did.
my prospective mother-in-law to much intervene. that's why we postponed our wedding day. i think i should be more patience even my heart was broken like somebody stabbed me with a knife.
deeeeefs try and talk it out before it gets too intense
but i`m sure its not always that easy!
defs a sticky situation
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Hard to say because you can be civil to people, but unfortunately they may not be civil back. A really good friend has a tough mother in law and my friend has been sweet and not gotten any reciprocal behavior in 8 years.
It's tough, but I think it's day by day. Be civil and have some contact and balance that with your relationship with your husband and his relationship with his parents.
I have to say I am in the extreme minority because I have an amazing mother-in-law that treats me like a true daughter. However, if I had a monster-in-law, I would try to be as adult and congenial as possible and hope that things would eventually work out.
I used to have the MIL from hell...now she is awesome but it took some very drastic measures.
Oh goodness, I hope my boyfriend's mother never becomes a MIL from hell. I can't be around situation like that because I have a very hard time holding my tongue. (Thank God she is lovely!)
I would do the same as your gal pals: keep peace but from a distance. :\
Just the idea makes me nervous, hopefully my future husband will have parents I get along with!
In-laws they are usually best kept at a distance for some reason they are always horrid to the daughter in law!
Honestly, my MIL is awesome. Can't complain there.
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Keep a distance if needed...but if its really bad I would think the husband needs to defend his wife a lil...
XO
I always think the husband should defend his wife as well. Boys and their mothers can have very odd relationships. Everyone needs to act like grownups!
I have heard so many horrible mother-in-law stories... I think part of the problem is meek husbands who don't have enough balls to man up and put their mothers in place. I broke up with my ex partly because I lost all respect for him when I saw how his mom pushed him around as if he was a little kid!
I definitely agree with all thd ladies. It is important to hub to defend his wife but at the same time a gal should be able to take care of business as well. I have heard some really bad stories and it really makes me think OMG why.....
I think the cause might be the anxiety of "losing" a son. I think the son needs to push back as best he can on behalf of his wife/girlfriend. In the case of a marriage, I think often times things can smooth over on their own over time. But, if you're a guy, I think the responsibility rests mainly with you to make sure your wife/girlfriend and mom at least act civily...
I'm not married so I don't have this problem. I've got friends, both male and female, who hare nightmare mother-in-laws. I hear so many stories from them.
Hmm..that is a very good question. I've never encountered that problem...yet but if I do, it depends on how abusive the mother-in-law is. If she is unbearable, I would let my future husband know about it before I marry him and get his opinion. If he supports me and willing to work things out in a fair way, then it's good, if not, it's over. xoxxoxoxoo
That is a good question, really!
X♥X♥
I live the with Monster in-law situation nearly every day of my life. And I don't mean just my MIL, but I have several SIL's as well. It is never an easy situation. Although I will say, some people are very lucky to have kind and loving in-laws. I'm just not one of them.
In fact, it was one of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome before getting married.
As you said, in the end, my husband needs to step in an be a mediator, because although the in-laws are family, he now has a family of his own too.
I have a Mother-in-law-from-hell too. She was fine when I first got with my fiance but then started being really bitchy towards me and my family. Not to sound big headed but my family are more wealthy than his and we own a nice house in a nice posh-ish village whereas she lives on an ex-council estate. Logically she would have been happy that he is marrying up, lol, but alas nothing is ever good enough for her. We argued nearly 4 years ago, and she told my fiance never to bring me back to her house again, and I never have. She said she wasnt going to come to our wedding and that his sister couldnt be our bridesmaid. She has luckily caved on the latter because his sister was really upset. But she is a very strange person and has her priorities all screwed, she treats his sister very differently to how she treats him. Like ridiculously different because they have different fathers and she is still with his sisters father. This time of year is the worst because she will only buy him something little then spend a small fortune on his sister for christmas. I know we are older but she has always been like this. Its half the reason I dont really like her. But I have always been polite and civil and nice (I even sorted all the christmas present for her).
Hmm sorry got a little carried away there, she is an awkward subject with me. But I totally sympathize with anyone who had a mother in law from hell.
oy...I happen to be lucky bc although my MIL is not perfect (and neither am I) she is nowhere near the nightmare women that you describe in your post...someone actually suggested an abortion of their grandchild? wtf is that? I would have slapped her and I'm not even kidding. I do have friends who hate..and I mean hate...their in-laws. I cannot imagine the situation but to be fair, their inlaws are class-A jerks.
At the end of the day, they are the parents of your spouse and just like with your own parents, you are bound to disagree on things...and it's even more frustrating bc they're not your parents so the dynamic is not the same at all. I would say that like any relationship, the one with your inlaws is a give and take...it can be complicated at times but if you ever feel uncomfortable or upset, make it known and put up your own boundaries. People, especially parents, don't usually take it well when a child puts up a boundary or establishes "rules" concerning them...If the other person is being difficult, then there's nothing to stop you from protecting yourself and your marriage and your OWN growing family whether or not you have kids if it comes down to it. I agree with you that ultimately it's up to the spouse to deal with his/her own parents and put them in line if they (the inlaws) get out of control...
My...thoughie, my friends do bring this topic of monstrous mother-in-law. The best way is acknowledge that everyone can never be perfect...so use the 'F' word= Forgiveness always!
All the best SG!
xo*
it's always difficult to get on well with the in-laws..the best thing to do is just ignore them and stand them only when really necessary..
I'm pretty lucky but I have friends with the most awful MILs!!!
It's tough hon, there are certain battles we just have to let pass but I think if something is truly important to a husband and a wife, their families shouldn't intervene - no matter what - but that has to go both ways with both families, no double standards. I think as long as couples discuss things like this before marriage when those hard situations arise, they'll get through it :)
I have been pretty lucky. Both of my serious boyfriends have had pretty awesome mothers. But then again, things change after marriage...hmmm...if I had a monster-in-law, I would put my foot down to my husband. I just would not take any crap. :S
ah~~ I just rant about it last month when in-laws are here. I also talked about it on my blog and thanks to my readers who SUPPORTs me. :P Now in-laws are gone, so do all the problems until next time!!! I like your super perceptive point of view and I, myself, gave DH a big lesson of what to do in the future when in-laws are here!!!! --- he has to shut up when in-laws complaint or just nag or just a little rant about me of everything, and always ON MY SIDE when they say something like that to HIM!!
I think trying to have a talk with the imposing in-law is a good place to start, as they may not even notice they are creating a problem. If that doesn't work, have a talk with your husband about it . Always remain civil, as being rude will only make things worse!
I don't think it necessarily makes or breaks the relationship, but because I am close with my parents, being able to get along with in-laws (or in my case, liking my boyfriend's family) is important to me. I'm not sure how I'd deal with dating or being married to someone if I couldn't stand their mom - I guess maybe I'd just back off and try to socialize with the family in larger groups. I hope that things will go well between you and your future in-laws.
i've heard stories of monster in laws, i think the a big factor of it, is how the husband handles it. if it is a situation where the husband will always side with the mother. but monster in laws or usu. monsters of people in general.
I have a friend who constantly groans about her mil. When her husband was talking to me in private he said she builds things up a lot in her mind. I think she goes into the situation just expecting the worse and then when it's not that bad, she finds things to gripe about. She's setting herself up for failure. Then she starts talking to her friends about it and it gets worse and worse. Just go into it realizing things will bug you but don't let them get you down. You may be lucky enough to receive a wonderful mil and might never have to worry.
To the last person who posted: I am sure your friend is not "building it up in her mind" and as her friend, you must understand that instead of taking her husband's side who is obviously merely protecting his manipulative witch of a mother in law. It can be a horrible problem to deal with a monster-in-law, worse than dealing with an affair because the MIL will never go away but to have the husband take the MIL's side and pretend that the wife is just imagining things is atrocious. These MILs should be destroyed, there should be laws against them protecting the daughters-in-law!
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