On a recently meet up with gal pals, we got into a discussion about love and money. A gal pal was irked because recently most of the guys she dated wanted to know her financial status right after a few dates. They were afraid she would become a burden on them. What is going on, what about love, compatibility and wanting to provide for his family?
I am asking this question because most of my friends grew up in very traditional households where fathers bring home paychecks and mothers stay home to run households. Back in the days that was the definition of 50/50 partnership. Nowadays, 50/50 means sharing financial responsibility equally. As a modern gal, I don't expect future hubby to support me, I can do that by myself nicely. But, from my observation, modern wives may be helping financially but lots of modern hubbies don't help out at home because they are tired at the end of the day. Of course I heard jerks justifying their laziness because they make more money than the wives. Wives are tired too at the end of a work day too even if she makes less. Where is the fairness in this deal?
Of course not everyone has a trust fund or a quarter million dollar salary and it is very expensive to live nowadays especially in urban areas, therefore a couple should work together to create a future together. That being said, I have noticed lots of guys want someone to share the financial responsibility voluntarily but these same guys share domestic responsibility quite unwillingly. A male acquaintance recently spelled out criteria for a wife. This is what he wants in a wife: pretty, educated, from a good family (meaning wealthy), classy, well mannered (can't be bossy), domestic diva (willingness to cook and clean by herself), and has her own career (share financial responsibility equally). Hello, is he on drug? We asked him why such a virtue of a woman would want to be with him. He is not tall, dark or handsome. He doesn't have a kick-ass trust fund or quarter million dollar salary. Granted he has a fairly good paying job and graduated from a top university in the country. He is not looking for a partner; he is looking for someone to help him built his dream life. So while dating, are we to begin negotiating already? I think romance just goes right out the door!
Honestly I don't know what to think anymore. I used to believe the idea of finding the right person, falling in love, and working together toward a future we both want to see. But now I am getting the feeling guys are looking for someone to help pay half the mortgage, bear his children, become his dream soul mate and to cook and clean so he actually has a hot meal and clean house. I really want to tell these guys to grow up and don't expect the world because they can't provide the world. So savvy people, what are your views on this issue?
TS Lee Designs
Visit My Handcrafted Jewelry Site
Past Goodies
Thinking About....
Subscribe
Posts
Comments
Savvy Friends
Savvy Shopping
Savvy + Stylish
27 savvy comments:
What a wonderful and interesting post.
I just live with my mother and my whole family is back home on the other side of the world (I live in Australia but I am from Northern Europe) So I was brought up in a less than traditional way, althout back home it seems very traditional.
I must say though I wouldn't mind to be financially helped by husband. Only if he was my husband, not just a boyfriend. In A married relationship all should be shared so If i was ever going through a rough patch it would be nice to know I could fall back on some one. Though with any relationship under marriage I think you should both support your selfs.
xx
'Hear Hear' very well written!
Funnily enough I was having the same conversation amongst friends, and came across a guy who required very similar requirements for a wife.
It's about time certain guy's face the mirror and wake up from their infatuated criteria's.
Here is my view. We all have this "criteria" we want in our man (just like men have for women). We want tall, dark, handsome, good job, well mannered, etc. But when push comes to shove, when you meet someone who's personality is so much more than what you see on the outside, you cross everything off that list. Its about being open minded. My guess, is that guys hasn't fallen in love before, because if he did, he wouldn't have a criteria.
In my marriage, it doesn't matter if I pay 75% of the bills or if he pays 75%. At the end of the day, I know if I were down he would support me and help push me back up and vice versa.
I agree with Mrs. Lovers Knot, we ALL have "ideal" criteria for how we imagine our "perfect" future mate to have. I'm hoping that if this guy you mentioned falls in love with a girl despite her not having these traits, that he wouldn't let that get in the way of a happy marriage. (Think Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett from Pride & Prejudice-I know it's cliche, but that's essentially what happened-he fell in love with her despite qualities that he deemed "beneath" him, but eventually he got over it and they lived happily ever after as far as we know) Relationships are about compromise, because let's face it, no one's perfect, and no couple exists that doesn't have issues that have to be discussed and sorted out, whether that's financial responsibilities or domestic ones. I say it's fine to have these ridiculous standards when you're fantasizing, but don't let them get in the way of finding true love and happiness.
Like that old "Charlie" perfume commercial...She brings home the bacon...Fries it up in a pan.....and never let's you forget you're a man.
That was a standard of the 80s till the 90s when women realized they couldn't do it all.
That's what the guy was raised on. I'll blame him AND his mother for how he turned out!
I know. But after a failed r/s I find it hard to fall in love again.
I've always made more money than my husband, up until last year. But we are pretty equal earners. I definitely think that both people need to be on the same page when it comes to money.
It is definitely better to be self sufficient. I believe marriage should be about 2 people working together. Ture, I have my ideal too (tall, dark, handsome and rich but not cheap) will do nicely but it is not realistic. Kristina is right, it does not matter what is the arrangement, both parties need to agree on it before going into a marriage.
I think the key is really finding a balance that works for both people. In my current situation, I'm not working, so I do take on more of the chores. BUT, my bf totally does his part and we split the bills since we're both trying to live as frugally as possible. Although, he did offer to buy me a carwash the other day. I think that was a hint 'cause my car was looking pretty really-bad-dirty.
BUT, I do think that a lot of men expect women to behave as their stay-at-home moms did while also contributing financially. OR they expect their wives to stay home with the kids, but don't understand why she says she's tired at the end of the day. I don't think that a lot of folks in our society really view child-rearing as a job. It's more a "luxury" that some women "get" to stay home with their kids.
Very interesting post, and agree with much of what you said. I have to agree with a commentator, that when it comes down to true love, many of these stipulations and requirements take a back seat. Because when you're talking about spending the rest of your life with someone, you never know what life will hand you (jobless, illness, etc.)
A good friend of mine, a woman, is much like the men you speak about. She hopes to find someone that makes a great salary, tall, dark, handsome, athletic, well mannered, etc. etc. I don't know if she will ever find someone with everything on her checklist.
I think if you walk into any relationship expecting more that what you are willing to offer yourself, the other person will never be happy.
Egad, wonderful post! I used to believe in the myth of romantic love, but not anymore. I am old-fashioned, though - would love to have a man support me in the lifestyle to which I've never become accustomed!
xoxox,
CC
I agree whole heartily! Everyone needs to pull their own weight!
It's unfortunate that those people are treating romance like business deals. Perhaps those are the kind of people who should look toward arranged marriages...
Marrying someone or being in a relationship with someone based on their financial status of the moment is heartless. Being in a marriage is a journey, where you earn money, lose money, and save money together. You never know what life will toss you and that's what makes it fun.
Such a interesting post, darling!
I agree with CC!
FM~FP~AF
im sure from movies tv books we THINK there should be one way on tons of things but really life is what you make it to be and our relationships are based not only on our views but the other person as well so when you can find someone that shares your ideas or helps you see a new one that you like even better then hey thats all that matters. some people are blissfully happy being stay at home wives just as others are as independent career women. we are people no matter our sex or status so whether we are labeled as the breadwinner or not it only matters if you want it to, theres no right or wrong
WG, this post is spot-on. Men who want the woman that can do it all (the brunt of the housework and contributing to finances and rearing children) are big babies who are just looking for a new mother figure to take care of them in every aspect of their life.
Great post! I've noticed it as well. Men want it all, but they don't want to do anything in return. WTF is up with that? Pisses me off. If a woman can pull all that off, then it's only fair for her partner to be her equal and share in the burden. After all, you have to work as a team.
Those are the type of men that if you don't constantly stroke their ego, will end up cheating on you.
Oh! don't get me started on this debate!, great post. Teamwork is the answer!
Oh what an interesting debate. I think that this in many ways is true of some men. It's a little jaded and backwards...especially when they expect women to juggle being a housewife as well as fulfilling a full time job. I think once they meet their partner, these men will find that for a successful relationship it's about give and take and compromise!
I second Couture Carrie. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to relationships, as well. Of course, I'm always willing to lend a helping hand; but I'd like to be in love, and not have some guy attempting to use me to foot half the bills! :)
ugh. such a touchy subject. this is constantly a problem. i try to force things to be fair in my own relationship, but i still feel that i bear the brunt of most of the icky stuff, by far (cooking, cleaning, nagging, making sure things get done, etc.).
Very interesting topic. I am totally with you, sometimes I think men just want that girl to build that dream life, not because they actually feel deeply for that special girl and their life together.
xo
Sophie
I never really looked at marriage as a business proposition. You fall in love, you get married, and the rest of it sort of works itself out. I guess we were young & naive. We were students, with no jobs & no money when we met.
I married a guy with a great prospect of career. We moved together, had children, and he took the biggest job his business has to offer. I never saw him during that time. We decided it wasn't worth is and moved away taking a job with a huge cut. It was like we couldn't have both. Now we struggle a little, but at least we can have a conversation at the end of the day. It's totally worth it. Anyone would be crazy to think the ideal mate is anyone but a person they can fall in love with just because they are wonderful.
I don't think that love and money have anything in common. You can be in love without a penny, you can be rich and unhappy, or you can be in love and have millions...there's no direct relation between this notions.
it's okay honey. sometimes we need to share everything even about money.
I agree with you.
I think that if he expects half the contribution financially, she should expect half the contribution in other aspects such as cleaning, cooking, etc.
Post a Comment
Let's hear your savvy thought....